دوران قبل از ازدواج و مدیریت اختلافات در آن | مهارت های زندگی مشترک

Chapter Two: Healthy Marriage
Part 3: Nomination and dispute management in it

In the premarital period, we will need an opportunity to see if the person we have chosen for cohabitation meets our criteria and priorities. We need an opportunity to get to know the person in front of us by real life standards. We have said before that you will definitely have a set of criteria and put these criteria on paper and choose the other person in a few sessions; Now that you have made your choice, you need to check whether you made the right choice and whether, in real life, this person is the person you thought he or she was, or the person who expressed himself or herself, or who will make a difference .

We need a time before we start living together, which should be between 6 months and 18 months so that we can get to know the other person well. In the way he communicates, in his speeches, in real life situations, we see and know him well.

In Iran, there are parts for the premarital period called the engagement period and we also have a period called the marriage period. Which are very good opportunities for full acquaintance before marriage. Outside of Iran, people have been partners for several years and are in fact in a relationship, and then decide whether they are suitable for marriage.

Premarital period and deep knowledge of the two parties

Whether in Iran or abroad, however, we need a time to get to know each other well before marriage, and at this time we and the other person may be friends, fiancés or even married. It is important to consider this period as a period of deep knowledge.

It is important to open our ears, sharpen and hear, and to keep our eyes open and sighted. In fact, it is important to see well and listen well, and then analyze well. Let’s see how the other person behaves in different situations and in their relationships with others and even their relationships with their family. Let’s see how he answers his phones and how he treats his friends.

In a public restaurant, how the waiter is treated and, for example, how he reacts and reacts if something happens. Let’s see how he tolerates being behind the traffic and how he reacts, and in fact all these are natural situations that if we are by his side we can see and hear well.

Take the premarital period seriously

So be aware that the period we need before marriage, which can be called the period before marriage or the period of friendship or engagement, should be the period of deep knowledge. We should not see it as a time of fun or a time of typing and enjoying. In fact, typing, having fun and enjoying in this period is the smallest part. In my opinion, if a person takes the premarital period very seriously and is able to have an in-depth study and analysis, a lifetime can use the virtues of enjoying, typing and having a lot of fun in real life.

Using intellect and emotions

In this pre-marriage period, which will be a very sensitive period, we must be wise and careful to use both our intellect and our emotions together. Ask them for help and not just use our feelings and emotions. Rather, we must use our tact and intellect to be able to understand well, and we need deep analysis and knowledge of all aspects of the person in front of us to assess his behavior, speech, mental and psychological conditions, whether there is stress and anxiety in him. Is it or not? Is it dawn? Does he sleep too much? Is he lazy or does he have a lot of activities? And many, many other questions that we can examine and analyze.

Let’s examine ourselves well in this period

In fact, in the premarital period, we should not only take a magnifying glass and analyze the other party, but also take another magnifying glass and see for ourselves whether we are in a relationship with others and our relationship with the person as a spouse. Is our future good performance or not? Have we acquired the necessary skills to communicate with others or not? And do we have the necessary capabilities or not? Do we have the necessary flexibility or determination? Or are we a good opportunist or not? And in the premarital period, it is very important to take a magnifying glass and analyze ourselves.

Examining differences before marriage

Now that all these reviews and analyzes have been done, we need to analyze the pros and cons of the other side that we have discovered. Let’s see where and in what situations we disagree with the other person in terms of taste or in terms of opinion and performance, and in fact we should know that during the engagement period, we should be ourselves and we should not play a role. We should not change our role and personality in real life in order to win the heart of the other person. We should not change our appearance or our speech.

Role play during engagement is prohibited

We must be very careful that playing a role in the premarital period is completely forbidden, and we must be ourselves, and this is how both the other party can know us well and we can know our weaknesses ourselves. Understand where and in what situations we have a disagreement with the other party. Once we know these contradictions well, we need to see what skills we need or what abilities we need to resolve them. What skills and abilities does the person in front of us need and can we acquire these skills or not?

What to do when there is a dispute during the engagement?

A very important point to note here is that if we encounter a dispute, we should by no means assume that it will resolve itself. We should not assume that everything will be resolved after marriage. Or, for example, tell ourselves that I will fix the other side. All this is a very big mistake. For example, I have to say that as a family counselor, I had options that a woman came to me and said that I had told my mother that I had seen a problem during my engagement and that my mother had told me that she was worried. do not be!. Your father had the same problem and it was solved after marriage.

But the important point that I have to pay special attention to is that maybe my father was a flexible person. Maybe only he was able to solve this problem in his life together and not everyone, especially the person in front of me, is supposed to be like my father. In fact, people are not supposed to react to problems like each other, and at this time we have to set aside all the criteria for comparison with others and evaluate the person with himself and his real personalities.

Casual behaviors and misplaced forgiveness

In fact, people who express negative reactions or negative cases before marriage, in fact, the smallest of these types of differences, and after marriage, these issues will become bigger. Because the amount of hours and time you are together will be much greater.

So I have to say that the idea that this negative issue will be completely resolved after marriage is a very wrong one. No problem will be solved unless you thoroughly analyze it and try to solve it, and we must know that no problem can be solved and eliminated on its own. In fact, we often ignore the very small things and skip them easily. I have to tell you that these differences between husband and wife and even the differences that lead to divorce are the result of these careless behaviors and misguided forgiveness. These are minor issues that show up in your life and get bigger and bigger.

So we should try to see all the differences well in this period before marriage and then try to resolve them. Find ways to solve them and try to increase our abilities. If there is an important issue or dispute, be sure to discuss it with a specialist. And be sure to do a specialized review. If these differences are based on your principles or if you have red lines and you are currently facing other options, be sure to review it professionally and you should not easily forget it.

I hope that all of you dear friends can experience a very good, lively and full of freshness period. And accompany the premarital period with a deep understanding that is very useful for your future life.

Hoping to meet. Goodbye